Working on the Ranch

Have you ever been surrounded by so much beauty that you almost couldn’t believe it? Francesca and I have been at that state for the last 3 months. Some of you may be wondering, “what have they been doing out there?” We decided to make and take a journey across the country to live near, and work on, a ranch situated in the middle of the Rocky Mountains, Colorado. We wake up to a backyard full of beautiful spruce trees and mountaintops with a nearly 14,000-foot mountain to our left. We came here to grow as a married couple through nature’s gifts, mentor students from the ages of 13 to 19, and discover what life is like outside of our normal bubble. We never could have imagined the impact our co-workers, this ranch, and these students would have on us and our marriage.

For three months, we have been working at Rocky Mountain Pathways Ranch through Pathways Travel. We have been diving in with these students in a physically, emotionally, and spiritually enriching way since August. Our work mostly consists of teaching programming pieces that feature many social-emotional learning components, working with horses and small ranch animals, and leading hikes and various other outdoor activities. The students are considered “at-risk youth” and come from charter schools in the state of California. California pays for these students to fly to Colorado where we embrace them for 11 days and help them reach a new growth mindset. Once here, they are working nonstop to improve themselves and learn about life outside of their comfort zones. It’s incredible to see how much they put into making a difference in themselves and ultimately learning skills they can apply to their lives which can be spread throughout their communities. Francesca and I, in the process, have learned how some of these activities are shaping our marriage. Below, I’ll outline what some of the activities are and how they can be tied into love and marriage.

Grit & Gratitude

During this activity, we take students outside and show them ways they can be grateful for any and everything. They can be grateful for the beautiful trees, the small bugs, the bright flowers, the mountains, and anything they see. We then ask them to list why the things they listed are grateful for other things. For example, I am grateful for trees because they give me oxygen and trees are grateful for rainwater because it gives them life. The idea is to get students thinking beyond themselves and looking at the overall “big picture” in life and how every small action we make impacts everything else around us, thus creating a ripple effect. After giving them time to reflect, we allow them to watch a video on a woman showing gratitude. Gratitude can rewire the brain in such positive ways if we make time for it each day! Following this, we show a video on grit. Grit is essentially made up of commitment, dedication, and perseverance. When you show grit, you can accomplish anything in life. Through failure, there are learning opportunities.

Relating this to our marriage, each day we wake up, we can choose to show gratitude to one another and remind one another why we love each other, what is special about each of us, and how we can choose love over hate. It gives us the chance to be intentional about our marriage and our relationship. Sometimes we imagine why we are grateful for that person, but we can use this activity to actively VERBALIZE why we are thankful for one another. It also shows us how each action we take can affect our marriage over time. If I choose to use sarcasm with Francesca, how will that hurt her over time? We have to keep the humor alive, but I also can be wise when I use sarcasm. On the other hand, if I show her patience in my words and listening skills, then I can grow our relationship and not stunt it. Lastly, grit instills in us that, no matter what happens in our marriage, we can choose to love each day and work through our struggles. We have many, but they are all learning opportunities that can help blossom our marriage. What a gift!

Cairn Activity

This is one of my all-time favorite activities we do at the ranch and it usually generates a lot of tears—the good kind! A cairn in the hiking world is a stack of rocks that notate you are going along the right path. Fellow hikers will place these along trails to help others know they are going in the right direction. They can also be used in such a way to display something dangerous, such as a cliff edge or a hidden hole. We tell the students what a cairn is and then ask them about positive and negative cairns in their lives. After this, we have them go outside and collect two rocks—one they really like and one they do not like. We then gather the group and have them come outside with their “negative” rocks. One by one, we ask each one of them to channel all of their negative energy, thoughts, and bad cairns into the rock, squeezing it as hard as they can. Once they’ve done this, they are allowed to scream, yell, and throw the rock off the deck as far as they can. We do this hoping they will tangibly be able to get rid of the negative thoughts and emotions they have at that moment. After this, we take them inside where they can focus on their “positive” rock. This time is used for writing impactful words on the rock that mean something to them. Some students have written words like love, hope, happiness, sober, and beautiful. Finally, we take them on a silent hike to the Ranch’s cairn site—a place where every person that has ever been at the Ranch has left their mark. We then give them the chance to explain why they wrote what they did and encourage them to be vulnerable. Once they’ve done this, they place the rock in the cairn along with the others and leave their mark here, forever.

In marriage, there are many positive and negative cairns. Hiking together, looking at the stars, dinners, moving, travels, and so much more are positive cairns. Arguments, separation, miscommunication, and misunderstandings are all negative cairns. But with each trial and failure, comes opportunities for growth in marriage. Francesca and I have certainly experienced difficult times in these first 6 months of marriage, but through them, we grow stronger at every turn. Most of the issues lie in wait due to previous past negative cairns in our lives as individuals. Cairns which we have either ignored or suppressed in order to cope. Once these come up, we are able to then gel together in our marriage and grow stronger as a unified couple. The beautiful thing about our relationship is that we never ignore problems that come up and we always come together to solve them. Sometimes we come together through rough trails, but we come together, nonetheless. If we didn’t, we would get lost and forget that neither of us is alone in this marriage. We have to CHOOSE to love each day. Love is more than just a feeling—it is also an active choice for us to love one another through good and bad times. Neither of us is perfect, we have to be willing to love and work through the imperfect components that make up who we are. 

Mindfulness Solo Sit

A form of meditation, we take the students on a silent small hike to our famous Ponderosa Tree in the Roosevelt National Forest. Once there, we explain the beauty of nature and open the minds of the students to just look around and observe the sights around them and listen to the sounds of the wind, birds, and animals. This mindfulness moment probes the students to arrive in a meditative state. Afterward, we all have them spread out and sit silently in the field and amongst the Aspen trees. Many of them have never sat in silence at all, let alone for 15- 20 minutes. After the silence, we have them come back to the circle and talk about what that was like for them. Many of them are thankful and express feeling calm, peaceful, grateful, happy, and centered.

It is so important for Francesca and me to give each other space when it’s needed. That time apart does a few things: 1) it allows us time to center ourselves 2) it gives us the space we need to reflect on our actions, behaviors, and the day and 3) it helps us appreciate one another more. When we are apart, even if it is just in the other room, we have the chance to miss each other and remember why it is that we love being around each other a lot. We need it, especially here, because we work with each other every day and live in one room with a house full of other people. So, our space away is extremely limited but necessary. Sometimes, Francesca likes to watch her show or work out alone and I enjoy my time researching future ideas, play video games, and read. It is our own version of the mindfulness solo sit, but one that energizes us and adds fuel to our marriage, a fuel that allows our relationship to keep burning in the best, most environmentally friendly way.

Contracts

This is exactly how it sounds. We corral the students in a room together and have them make a working contract to themselves. We go over Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), positive psychology, and how to focus on the positives in themselves. The contract is built as such:

I am a (adjective), (adjective), (adjective), (noun) (action phrase), now.

My current contract is, “I am a calm, courageous, self-confident wolf intentionally choosing love over hate to inspire the world, now!”

This contract is meant to be empowering and help the students work toward something they aspire to become. In the end, they sign it. Because it’s not a contract if it is not signed! This helps them step into the growth mindset pushing them to become all the things they want to become and affect change in the world and in their communities, and we want them to do this NOW. Not tomorrow, not a week from now, not 5 years from now, but right here in this moment. Change begins NOW. Feel free to create your own contract and share it with us!!

Likewise, in our marriage, we have both made an individual commitment and signed a spiritual contract to grow together and work hard at being the best husband and wife that we can be. Not just for each other, but for the billions of people in the world, especially young people. We want to be a beacon of light for others, inspiring people to love and show love. Hence why we began this website and incredible journey. Through grit and determination, we can stay loyal and committed to one another and to the contract we signed. Contrary to popular belief, marriage is much, MUCH more than just a sheet of paper.

LOVE

In marriage and any relationship, the most important thing to always keep first is love. We must show it every day in our actions, words, and thoughts. It is through love in which we can create change and be an inspiration to others. We hope to do that for you, for your friends, and for all of our friends and family. We also hope to do that for allllll the people we will meet along this journey!

Along with the above at the Ranch, we also have been leading poetry slam nights, making pizzas, rock climbing, hiking, sitting in appreciation circles, hosting round tables with deep and personal discussions, having group presentations, setting goals, and so much more. This Ranch is shaping us day by day and we are so happy we can share experiences with you all in this cairn of our marriage. 

With love and grace,

Bryant & Francesca Abbott

OLDER